Greenisland Views

Roy of the Dump: Your Move, Housemates.

2011-05-23T21:11:00.011Z

I've recently been getting very fed up with my lazy, messy housemates. I've been waiting on them to clean up their act for a long time. (That's a deliberate pun, don't pretend you don't love it.)

Until today I figured, 'why should I come into the messy house and start cleaning it? That would make me their bitch.'

I can't stand it any longer. I could catch some tropical disease at any moment. Tonight I decided that I'd stop waiting and spring into action.

I decided to clean the bathroom. My plan is that this would guilt them into perhaps cleaning one of the other rooms in the house. Heaven knows the kitchen needs some work.

I have just finished the cleaning.

1 hour 45 minutes.

I cleaned *everything* except the ceiling and that's only because I couldn't reach it. I started with the walls working down. I cleaned the mirror, the shower, the window, the window frame, the windowsill, the door!, the sink, the bath, the radiator, the little storage thing, the bin, the toilet and finally the floor. I even cleaned all their stinking grooming products that were covered in congealed gel and hair. I even cleaned the vase and the plant pot and the little duck on the bath. I even cleaned out the shower drain catch which was full of gunky hair.

I'm not joking when I say this - I cleaned stuff off the shower that looked like alien mucus. Two varieties. The standard green and then the yellow/orange stuff. At first I thought it was rust. Oh no. Not rust.

As I am typing this I can hear one of the housemates discovering the bathroom. He's peeing. And..yep, he just left without washing his hands. So that's the light switch which already needs disinfected again.

Anyway, so proud I am of my endeavours tonight, as fruitless as they may be, I took before and after pictures for your pleasure:

BEFORE:

And AFTER:

That was literally the worst job I've ever had to do.

I bet that bastard has pissed all over the seat already. What a waltbag.

Twitter FTW

2011-04-01T23:44:00.002Z

Somebody was reading my blog!

They told me. And when they told me I thought to myself - wow, what nonsense have I recorded there for the greater internets to see?

I just checked, its been almost 2 years since my last post. I re-read some of it... To be honest I thought I was funnier. Wasn't total crap though.

Anyhoo, got me thinking about how much Twitter has replaced my blog (entirely). 'Micro-blogging' eh? So addictive and instant. On the other hand, sometimes you need to be a bit more verbose.

I think Greenisland Views shall be coming out of retirement for the next time I feel the need to be long-winded, and I'm going link to the post from Twitter.

One could say I'm a bloody genius.

Arrogant Bag Containing Litter and Marmite

2009-04-24T16:59:00.002Z

So, I had a great many thoughts whilst walking home from work today. Not just thoughts - they were tweet-thoughts. Those little things that pop into your head and you think 'I should tweet that'.

People with iPhones (I hate you) are able to tweet there and then.

I, on the other hand, had to remember all 4 things I was planning to tweet in my head. I had to add them onto my brain stack. Unfortunately my stack can only hold 2 things.

I therefore made a picture in my head that became more strange as more tweet-thoughts arrived.

First: I tweeted about arrogant businessmen. They annoy me, but not as much as youths with knives who like to deliver wee stabbings upon nice people.

Second: Saw a cool man-bag and got that old longing for a new one of my own with many compartments and pockets. Joy!

Oh dear. Stack = full.

Third: Litter on bus seat beside you is a great way of increasing the probability of ample leg-room during your journey.

At this point I had to combine one or all of my tweet-thoughts in order to fit them on the stack.

So I come up with the image of a bag, which has glasses and a tie and an air of poshness. Within the bag, there was litter.

Fourth: Marmite. I'll explain that in a bit.

Along with the litter there is now a jar of Marmite inside the arrogant bag.

Stack = half full only. Tweet-thoughts retained: 4! Impressive. Side-effect: Arrogant Bag Containing Litter and Marmite image seems to be stuck in the stack.

Does anyone know how to remove stupid crap from brain-stacks?

By the way, Marmite popped into my head because I was thinking how annoying it is to read those fantasy novels that are all the same. Superficial nonsense with some funky mangic and/or dragons. I think it's important to produce something different. Like Marmite. Some people may hate. Some may love. But at least it won't be boring shite. People will talk about it. Does anyone know any Marmite novels for me?

I'm not checking spelling. My back hurts. I hunch when I type.

Oh there's a thought...how come I don't get a sore back when I program in work? LOL.

That could be a tweet. Stack = full.

So, why do Mannequins have nipples?

2009-04-05T12:54:00.001Z

I've been pondering this for some time now. Since friday evening actually. It occurred to me, after giving a headless-yet-somehow-sexy mannequin a good stare, that it's quite strange to give them nips.

I'm a man. Not one who buys women's clothes. Well I bought a cool skirt for Sharon once but she didn't like it. Anyway! I'm getting off topic.

I assume the nipples are added for the benefit of women then. I'm not sure I understand it but, after all this thought, I think I like it. Possibly subliminal bollocks. Advertising nonsense.

Speaking of advertising nonsense, I heard a sofa ad on the radio yesterday. The sofas are priced, for example, at £299. But the voice-over git says it as 'two ninety-nine pounds, YES, two ninety-nine pounds!'

RAGE-MONKEYS! To make it sound like the small figure of £2.99! As if we're that naive and easily manipulated. I hate the person who thought that up! I want to strangle them.

(Only a bit. Just so they cough and splutter for a few minutes. Obviously.)

Moving Day!

2009-02-28T22:47:00.003Z

blogging from iPod touch- excuse puctuation / spelling!

Today I moved from the Donegal Rd in Belfast to a lovely 3-bedroom semi-detached townhouse in Dromore! Despite working like a trooper for about 12 hrs solid today, I couldn't be happier!

Highlight of the day was my dropping a VERY heavy filing cabinate down the stairs. Luckily Sharon, and specifically her skull, was in the way to cut the carnage short!

Passionate about football.

2009-02-07T13:32:00.002Z

Was playing football last night - was invited by a friend so didn't know anyone but him. Couple of awkward intoductions later and the game was underway. Up to this point I was acting pretty low-key, quiet even. New people etc. Just the way I am.

Well things changed on the court.

I made John McEnroe look meek. For example at one point I was chasing the ball toward the opponents' semi circle but was just slightly too late and the ball crossed the line (where the players cannot). I fell to my knees by the line gesturing with both hands towards the slowly rolling ball literally screaming the words 'DICK!! You DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!'

Can't tell if this is OK or not. I don't take these moments of frustration out on the players or anything so I guess it is OK - I just get into the game.

Awesome fun.

Go, Steve!

2008-12-16T12:36:00.002Z

Last night I spotted none other that Steve Wiebe in 4 Christmas's. (He has a very small role with no lines.)

Oh sorry, you don't know who that is? Well Steve is the current world No 2 in Donkey Kong.

In the film he is playing a video game in one scene - perhaps a deliberate nod to his record - brilliant.

It's odd to think that out of the thousands upon thousands of people who go to see this film that hardly any of them will recognise Mr Wiebe. I'm glad I did.

By the way, I like Steve Wiebe because he cried over a computer game (and not because of the story - like FFXII or something, but because he was trying to be the best in the world at it) - legend. You should all seek out the film-documentary called 'King of Kong: A Fist Full of Dollars' in which he features heavily.

The New XBox Interface

2008-11-24T20:54:00.002Z

After 'updating' my xbox software, only to find an entirely new interface, I thought I'd just jump in with an open mind and see what Microsoft had come up with.

Not much really.

Avatars is the long and the short of it. Fun for about 5 minutes. Begs the question 'why?'...

But at least they didn't break anything! Woop?

It's my thing.

2008-11-23T19:17:00.003Z

Remember that episode of Friends when they're trying to work out what each person's 'thing' is? (Ross, getting divorced, Chandler, sarcasm... - lol, rofl, etc)

Well clearly my thing is getting food-poisoned!

I think I've had more than my fair share of such incidents in the last few years (I count 4 by the way!) although none have been as bad as the current bout.

Woke up in the middle of the night last night with that nasty feeling of 'RUN! RUN ROY - THE TOILET, QUICK!'.

I remember getting down the stairs despite the cramping...and then I woke up on the bathroom floor with drops of blood nearby which I later worked out were from my chin.

I deduced that I had made it to the loo whereupon I lost consciousness and fell off the loo striking my chin and head on the tiles (although this is entirely speculative - I simply don't remember anything!).

I worked that out after climbing back on the loo and 'tying up loose ends'.

In the morning I had a closer look at my chin and, after getting a second opinion from Sharon, thought I should go get it checked out so went down stairs to wash up before heading to A&E.

This time I remember reaching the bathroom and then sitting down because I felt nauseous and then feeling really sick...
...and this time I woke up to poor Sharon calling an ambulance in an absolute panic because it looked like I'd just had a fit..

So I spent Sunday morning getting a ride in an ambulance and lying on a sloping bed (head towards the ground) in the City Hospital getting fluids and tests and vomiting.

******

Exciting!

So as my Facebook status indicates, I ate a burger at the Continental Market and this was almost certainly the culprit! You'll all be glad to know that it was NOT the 'Meats of the World' stall - so continue to enjoy your Roo and Wild Boar burgers!

Chess success!

2008-11-04T20:09:00.002Z

I'm pretty proud of my chess scores in Facebook - look! Look at the amazingness:

Only 4 losses in 22 games. Top 20% of Facebook players? Rock on.

Well you may think I'm boasting - and I am - but I'm currently playing my next 3 games and not one of them is going according to plan. I'm creating this post in order to have a reminder of my Chess glory days, for I belive they are coming to a swift end at the hands of Robert, Manus and Gemma.

100 Pushups

2008-11-03T22:15:00.002Z

I decided to start a pushup program a while ago. Despite descent progress for a few weeks I somehow found myself no longer completing my thrice-weekly exercises.

I've been meaning to get back into them and start reaching again for the sparkly goal of 100 consecutive pushups.

Tonight I started again! I figured that I'd have a tough time having not done any arm exercises for weeks - but jumped straight in there with 22.

And according to the charts, that means that I can pick up again in week 3.

Theoretically, this means that in 4 weeks from now I should be ready to take my final test. Will I make it?

This post is here so that I feel I can't let it slip again - people will know I'm a failure otherwise.

Go Team Roy!

Anyone interested?? Link: hundredpushups.com

Football

2008-10-28T22:36:00.002Z

This blog is about football - in particular, the Tuesday night 5-a-side football I play. Tonight it was 2 degrees outside. There were literally flurries of snow during the game. I was in shorts. The cold air caused the sensation of never being able to fully catch my breath. I caught an arm in the face which made my nose bleed for several minutes - during which I continued to play as best I could. My team lost by 3 goals and while I was doing nets I got chipped (which is pretty damn embarrassing in 5-a-side-sized goals - in my defense I was on my knees and trying to save the goal with all the determination of a Kalahari honey badger trying to get some sweet sweet honey).

But this post is about how much I totally loved it. I loved every minute I played tonight. I enjoy it so much that the things mentioned above are not even 'things I must put up with' but rather 'details of the most recent game'.

____________________________________

So lost by 3 goals eh? When my team loses I always have a quesiton in head. A rather vain question.

If I replaced each person on my team tonight with another Roy...would we have won? If each player had the same skill, movement, technique and pace as me, would we play well. Would Team Roy be good?

I say YES!

Wish the holodeck would hurry up and get invented...

Only a software engineer...

2008-10-27T13:32:00.003Z

..would be absolutely delighted to discover that the total number of songs on his MP3 player is exactly 256.

Although now I've noticed that I don't want to add another song!

Mirror's Edge

2008-10-17T17:06:00.002Z

This game...I'm excited for this game. Watch this wee YouTube vid - you'll understand.

Posted by Roy who loves free running and xbox.

Just a tad too expensive...

2008-10-13T11:40:00.002Z

I had a free sample of an Innocent Veg Pot last night:

Amazing! I was going to buy a pile of them to eat as lunches each day. Healty, warm and tasty??

Just a little dear though...I think I shall make it my Friday treat. Yes, I am tight. So what? So's your face.

Linux is fun, to a point.

2008-10-07T16:47:00.002Z

So I spent many an evening recently trying to convince my wireless to work under Ubuntu Hardy. I've waded through thread after thread in the Ubuntu Forums, following guide after guide in an effort to even see the damn connections let alone connect to them. I feel like I've worked my ass off.

As many of my readers will know...tinkering in Linux is fun. When I was getting the same wireless card to operate under Dapper I had a grand old time and indeed this experience has been fun too...up to a point.

This time, things went too far. There were just too many nights typing 'ndiswrapper', 'modprobe', 'iwconfig' and 'lshw -C network' into a terminal over and over again.

I'm not one for bad language, but I've come to loath my Belkin card with it's shit 'broadcom' chipset.

Today my new wireless hardware arrived. Edimax USB adapter. £12. Works out of the box. Just moments ago I finished mauling the Belkin to pieces using a combination of screwdrivers (to remove the components) and a hammer (to detroy the components).

Ahhhh....

And relax.

(This blog has been published from Mozilla Firefox, running on Hardy Heron! Woop woop.)

Clothing the Roy

2008-09-29T09:00:00.000Z

Of late, it has been getting more and more difficult to get clothes I like. This is due to a number of reasons.

For example, while TKMaxx is good for the occasional cut-price jumper (after hours of sifting through row upon row of tat), its not somewhere you can rely on for buying clothing. Its just too inconsistent.

Then there’s Next. Nice stuff…but that’s what everyone has. The Roy is original. He doesn’t do the standard stuff. Also, Next tends to be too old for me. Those jumpers are designed for only one person – and he is 30 plus if hes a day.

So moving swiftly onwards to River Island…and lets move swiftly on out of there after trying on a couple of the more ‘normal’ garments. For example, a jumper avec fur? Or how about the jumper aver duffle coat style buttons around the collar? How about no you buftys. (Again, no offense but this just isn’t me!)

Even the surf shops are no good to me these days. If you want something you can wear to work forget about it. Each and every top has elaborate, garish patterns splashed over every inch of it. These shops are hideously expensive anyway.

The only thing left to me is M&S, Dunnes and Primark. These stores may become my meat and potatoes of clothing acquisition. We shall find out in the coming weeks…I’m in dire need of some new trousers.

Photo Comp

2008-09-27T22:56:00.003Z

I caught wind of a Belfast photography competition way back earlier this year around the time I'd just got my nice new DSLR. The theme was 'Belfast parks'.

I immediately knew the shot I wanted and walked to Belmont Park to try and get an image of those wooden carved sculptures in the background with some vibrant daphodils in the foreground.

Sadly, I didn't have a good day for the shot and was not yet savvy with the world of Single Lens Reflex. My pictures were balls.

I have been encouraged, however, to see that my 'eye for a photo' is working well enough. On saturday past, I checked out the winners of said photography competition - 3rd place was given to my exact shot (taken by somebody else of course). So now I just need to get good at operating my camera and the photos should fall into place.

cool promotions video

2008-09-25T12:39:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/experiencewii

lolz @ dunecat

2008-09-20T17:05:00.002Z

Cryptonomicon

2008-09-20T16:52:00.002Z

By Neal Stephenson.

Just finished this book and really enjoyed it.

I recommend.

Name My Cat!

2008-09-19T09:38:00.002Z

I'm getting a little cat soon and need to name it. Don't know whether its a boy or girl so give me some suggestions for both.

My ideas so far are:

1. Wolverine
2. Grom Hellscream

What do you think?

Speaking of TV Ads...

2008-09-14T19:59:00.002Z

I hate that ad with Henry, Tiger and [someone else]...for 'Gillette Fusion'...

Stupid ad.

However...was in Boots and saw one of these fusion boyos for half price! Half price? Yes, half price!

Ah what the heck I thought.

Well, turns out its the best thing ever. At least its the best thing I've ever shaved with. Seriously - glides like anything. I can't wait till the morning!

Things I Hate...

2008-09-14T19:46:00.002Z

TV ads...

Some are really good. Most make me want to kill the people who made them...and a select few make me want to destroy all humanity. (Come on LHC!)

But tonight I saw something which tops it all. Beauty pageants for children. USA obviously. Horrific. Completely, literally horrifying! (Ok..LHC...please take us now! End it! END IT ALL!)

Doughnut French Toast

2008-09-14T19:39:00.002Z

Ok! This- this is AMAZING!

French toast...but covered in sugar...

Got the idea from good old Nigella - ask me about it. Its my new favorite snack.

One of my Hobbies: Creating Amusing Alternative Lyrics.

2008-09-14T19:26:00.002Z

The latest parody being at the expense of Kate Perry...

I Kissed a Squirrel; I liked it,
I liked the taste of it's squirrely chapstick...

There's a lot of work still to be done but the image of squirrel-kissing is just too good to pass up.

(Now in my mind's eye, Kate Perry has started to look somewhat like a giant squirrel)

Sigh...

2008-08-15T12:55:00.004Z

...people are such dicks.

Life Skills.

2008-08-15T12:50:00.001Z

Remember the little toys you had when you were a toddler. Where you had to fit the star shaped blocks into the star shaped holes...

Life skills.

Check out Mr Obnoxious!

2008-08-15T12:45:00.002Z

Car park was not full, but this was still a willy of a thing to do:

Not 2..but 4 spaces!

Stop Cloning Around.

2008-08-11T14:34:00.004Z

This is a photo of a California Woman who payed lots a money to get her beloved pet dog cloned.

How cute is this little guy? Although...it looks a little suspect to me. Isn't there some similarity between owner and pet?

Arghhhhhh...WHAT HAS SHE DONEEEEEEEEE!!?? RUN AWAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!

Best 'We're Closed' Sign Ever!

2008-08-06T21:46:00.002Z

Poetry?...Anyone?

2008-08-06T10:35:00.003Z

There's not enough poetry on this blog! Here's one of my favs: The Tiger, By William Blake:

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

* * * * *

Other poems that I heart:
Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost
He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven, William Butler Yeats
Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

Poems, eh? Don't worry, I have some pictures taken on my mobile of my fantastic DIY skillz to post soon. (We'll prob not revisit poetry for quite some time! Ha!)

That's how I roll.

2008-07-20T17:18:00.002Z

Lolzers.

The Amazing Flying Roy!

2008-07-20T13:00:00.002Z

I just watched this amazing video on youtube about these base jumpers who glide parallel to rock faces at speeds of 100mph. It must be watched to be believed.

I can't imagine anything more amazing.

Its funny that I should think this even though I've never done anything remotely like base jumping before. Maybe I'm a closet adrenalin junkie and 'The Amazing Flying Roy' is ready to just burst forth from his sane alter ego...

Run Awaaaaaaaaaay!

2008-07-18T20:52:00.002Z

In the middle of installing Windows for the 4th time in 24 hours, I looked out the window to see an Ent waving at me.

Well, at least that's what I thought I was seeing, probably because I had just lifted my eyes from an all-too-familiar monitor-induced haze. Also possibly because I'm not used to the view from this room.

It was, sadly, just a tree swaying in the wind.

* * *

(Ah, hello Treebeard! Nice of you to drop by. Do you know, I've only just now noticed that you have a very stupid name. Treebeard. You're a tree with a beard. And you're called Treebeard. Its almost like Tolkien couldn't be arsed at this point, having exhausted his fantasy-name-generator on the likes of 'Frodo' and 'Aragorn'. Yes...well anyhoo, cuppa?)

Welcome Home Roy

2008-07-17T14:02:00.003Z

This post is a little late since I got back from the US ages ago, but who cares?

I remember flying into London and thinking 'Cool! I'm going to turn my phone on and find out how many people love me.'

So I turned it on and waited for a minute or two and sure enough I heard the sweet sound of a message tone.

One. One message tone.

I dealt with this shocking lack of love swiftly and focused my attentions on the sweet sweet message in my inbox. I observed that it was from my good friend JD.

The single, one and only, solitary message I received while I was on my adventures in America opened as follows:

'Roy. U testicle.'

I am not joking. Welcome home Roy.

Oh look...I'm in work.

2008-07-17T07:24:00.002Z

I am tired this morning. Not a particularly late night...up at usual time...yet inexplicably exhausted.

I've been adjusting my chair furiously for the last five minutes and just can't get comfortable. I stopped adjusting after I sleepily realised that no matter what I do, the chair will not become remotely bed-shaped.

I've downed 2 croissants and a cup of tea but rather than wake me up, this activity has joined everything else from this morning in a hazy semi-real dream. Maybe I'll wake up in a few...

Meh.

Yuck!

2008-07-04T11:34:00.002Z

Casu marzu aka Maggot Cheese.

notable for being riddled with live insect larvae

It's a delicacy. It's the most beautiful gift you can give a Sardinian shepherd.

I'm not one to hold back from telling other people that they are wrong, and this is no exception. Sardinian shepherds. You are wrong. Eating this is wrong. Stop.

Eat your frigging sheep instead. Eat each other instead. I didn't know anything about Sardinia before I read this and now I think all Sardinians are a bunch of wabs. Congrats on being wabs!

Here's an idea destined to fail.

2008-07-04T11:28:00.003Z

Counter-terrorists...on Segways? Er, no.
I can tell you now, that's not going to work.

Greece Football Team

2008-06-16T07:06:00.000Z

Greece Football Team...

...you're all a bunch of wabs.

Greece FTW!

2008-06-04T14:01:00.002Z

I drew Greece in my work's Euro 2008 sweep. Woop!

I always support the underdog in these tournaments - so I'm totally happy with getting the Greeks. Realistically I don't think we'll win it but you never know. Out of the underdogs, Greece are a pretty good bet - there could be another 2004 on the cards...

Come on you Greek chappies! Score!! Do it. Do it! DO IT!

Passage

2008-06-03T12:24:00.002Z

While reading some intersting commentaries surrounding the 'can games be art' debate I was pointed to a little game called Passage.

I, in turn, point you all to this little game --> 'Passage'

It lasts a mere 5 minutes. I played it only once. Yet this little game means more to me than any other I've played (with the possible exceptions of Shadow of the Colossus and FFVII). Not because its a good game...but because its a beautiful poem about life.

Only in Belshaft

2008-05-29T13:37:00.002Z

Heard a great story last night about a Belfast man who, without planning permission, built a 2-story building in his back garden.

Was he going to use this dodgy building as a house? Was he going to pay his own rent by renting this illegal second house? No no no.

This is Belfast.

Instead he constructed a boxing ring inside as the main feature. He also constructed a bridge running between the upper levels of the two houses for easy access to what I can only assume was the venue for an illegal fighting club. The gentleman in question is also rumoured to have regularly hired strippers as additional entertainment for his clients.

The building had been ordered to be torn down.

Different Kettle of Fish

2008-05-23T22:45:00.004Z

I had a go with a Target Rifle this evening and flip me, its totally different from sporting rifles. Instead of a scope you must aim through two metal sights - one at either end of the barrel. This means no magnification - and I don't know whether it was my eyes or not, but I couldn't see a damn thing.

I seriously could barely shoot a target from 75 yards - I could hardly see it - let alone 100, or 300...or 1200 (which professionals can).

I have a whole new appreciation for this type of marksmanship - scopes are obviously for cheaters. Real men go Target Rifles!

Sweet, Its Sweet Pea!

2008-05-23T22:29:00.003Z

Clever little plant. Its got wee tendrils that somehow managed to find a piece of string and grab onto it within 24hours of me putting it there. And it doesn't even have eyes. Awesome.

Click image to see bigger version.

I heart my balcony garden!

Stupid Logo

2008-05-22T12:52:00.003Z

Stupid logos are prevalent in the world of today - there's at least more that 10 trillion billion million!

But some logos are so common and recognisable that you don't really see them anymore.

Take the Peugeot logo for example. Have you ever stopped to realise that that lion is clearly a zombie-lion-of-doom walking on its hind legs?? Obvious when someone points it out.

Arghhhhhh!

2008-05-20T11:58:00.003Z

I just watched the following video over at Gizmodo:

Personally, I'm all in favour of making better and more sophisticated robots. Especially the ones that make me food and clean my house.

However, if I've learned anything from The Simpsons, The Matrix, Issac Asimov and Arthur C Clarke its that Robots/AIs will eventually eat, harvest or enslave the human race.

When I watched the video my thoughts were as follows:

Aw...there's that robot that walks like people.
Aww...its waving...

Ohhh - coool - its conducting that orchestra. Nice.

Hmmmm.

Yes.

OH DEAR GOODNESS PEOPLE ARE OBEYING A ROBOT - THIS IS A GLIMPSE OF THE FUTURE - WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Oh I think I'll blog about this after I finish my cup of tea.

Madonna, No.

2008-05-19T09:37:00.002Z

Madonna - its impressive that you can still dance like that. No denying it.

But can we stop wearing things that look like corsets?

Please?

I turn the TV on and I feel like I've just walked in on my grandmother undressing. *shiver*

Truman Show

2008-05-16T17:37:00.003Z

I think aeroplanes are totally amazing...

Seriously.

How do those massively heavy contraptions stay in the air?

Now before you try to explain it to me - I know the physics of it. I technically do know how they stay in the air - but despite this I find myself staring up at overhead planes with child-like awe.

I've been on planes. I've been to Thailand on a plane for example. However, there's a little part of my brain that doesn't accept aeroplanes. They're impossible. A little part of my brain reckons that the people watching my very own 'Roy Show' are having a right laugh at my expense - they put me on a pretend plane and made it seem like I was flying thousands of miles - and I bought it hook line and sinker. What a fool!

Sometimes I'd rather I was a fool being watched by millions than accept that aeroplanes can fly.

And then other times I want to go to america. Like next month for example. I'm sure that little part of my brain will stay quiet for a while. (Or it'll be looking out the window thinking "flip...its a really convincing simulation they're got here...")

Assault on the Senses

2008-04-29T21:58:00.002Z

I was just pottering about the house there now...making some Rice Crispy buns...glancing over at the TV occasionally - there was something on about Michael Barrymore - a program about that dude who went to sleep with the fishes in Barrymore's pool.

It had been a pleasant enough night thus far - but suddenly my senses were assaulted in the most unpleasant way: the face of Pete Burns came onto the screen.

It was all I could to to stop myself vomiting up my (entire) packet of Maryland cookies.

Does this seem harsh on the lad(y)? Well I think not - (s)he looks friggin wild and shouldn't be allowed on TV before the watershed and/or suitable warning. Get orf my tv - I've never been one for visiting a Freakshow.

(A picture of the person in question has not been included out of respect for my readers)

First Impressions

2008-04-22T19:08:00.002Z

Okay...well...yeah I can't bothered to write even a brief review of the Xbox or the games I've been playing. I hope nobody reading this was hoping for such posts to appear!

Instead I'll say two things:

a)Halo 3 is really good - but everyone in the world knows that already and
b)I'm off to play my Xbox now.

:)

I love it when a plan comes together.

2008-04-10T10:40:00.002Z

So my xbox arrived! Woohooo!

It's still a baby...not even 2 full days old. Check back for my brand new series of First Impressions.

I've be covering the console itself, Halo 3 and Lost Odyssey!

(I heart my xbox 360)

(I fancy the Master Chief)

Confused by Lyrics

2008-03-30T21:01:00.003Z

In church there's a particular song, with one particular line that conjures up completely the wrong image in my head. The line is:

"You're the defender of the weak"

I'm sure anyone else who's played fantasy football will have experienced this too.

xbox 360

2008-03-23T13:51:00.002Z

I have a cunning plan.

I popped along to O2 shop the other day and bagged myself a free upgrade. Its a pretty nice phone.

BUT, I'm sticking it straight on eBay without even opening the packaging! Why? Well thanks to the ridiculous over-pricing on our useless-feature-rich mobile phones, I can sell the free upgrade and then buy myself a premium xbox360 and possibly even have enough left over to pay for a year's worth of Gold net connection or an extra game! SWEET!

But now I'm freaking out. I've always been a PC gamer and I pride myself on knowing pretty much everything worth knowing about PC gaming. But this is new territory. Of course I know about the big titles...the Gears of War, Bioshock etc - but what about all the smaller games...the not-so-big titles that have missed the Roydar because I wasn't scanning for 360 games...

SO I've just spend ages reading websites and now I'm going to subscribe to 360 podcasts and stuff. I MUST know EVERYTHING. I have OCD. Better go wash my hands. Again.

I'm contributing to the interwidewebnet!!

2008-03-22T19:36:00.005Z

Here's how to attach a coaxial aerial plug:

Step 1: Using a Stanley knife (or one of those proper things for the job) cut into the cable cover taking care not to cut the fine copper wires beneath. Remove the covering to a length of about 20mm.

Step 2: Place the threaded part of the plug onto the cable (threads pointing towards end of cable) and peel back the fine copper mesh as shown below.

Step 3: Now twist the copper mesh around the cable in an effort to wind it tightly near the top of the brown covering.

Step 4: Widen the legs of the 'gripper' part of the plug and place over the end of the brown as shown. Please note that none of the mesh should be protruding from below the gripper of above the gripper.

NOTE: It is very important that the copper mesh and the central copper wire DO NOT TOUCH. (I don't know why...maybe the universe will implode?)

Step 5: Once the gripper is in place, pinch the legs to tighten it.

Step 6: Now cut the white spongy central stuff to reveal the central wire. The white stuff should be about 3mm in length.

Step 7: Now the pointer part of the plug needs fitted over the central wire. The wire should be shortened enough that the pointer meets the top of the gripper - but long enough to go inside the pointer so that it can be held by the screw. (As shown in diagram below)

Step 8: Finally screw the biggest part of the plug to the threaded part and celebrate your skills by extending your thumb in the traditional 'thumbs up' sign.

Urges...

2008-03-22T19:31:00.002Z

I don't know about you, but I never feel the need to climb into the giant roaring jet engine...

The Ingenuity of Roy

2008-03-19T14:04:00.001Z

I do lots of things to improve the efficiency of my day to day living.

For example, I memorise the timings on all (and I do mean ALL) the traffics lights I frequently cross at or drive through. This allows me to preempt a green man or when to slow down in the car because I know a green light is coming and I won't have to stop.

The most recent of my time-saving techniques has caused me to stumbled upon an important truth that I feel the whole of mankind could benefit from.

The technique I'm referring to is the use of a fork (of which there are many in the drawer) instead of a teaspoon (of which there are invariable none in the drawer) when one is making a cup of tea.

This idea alone is of benefit to mankind but, my friends, consider also the benefits of using to fork for the procedure of straining a teabag. Why, its just the perfect shape! Much more efficient for squeezing all the tea from the bag. Also, its a longer piece of cutlery meaning there are less problems when one favours the tall novelty mug, as I do.

I think we can all agree that the fork is a much better instrument for tea drinkers. I am starting a movement to do away with the teaspoon. It is a defunct tool. It is flimsy. It is merely a smaller version of a real piece of cutlery. It sucks.

Down with the teaspoon. Its a trap.

The most recent of my embarrassing incidents:

2008-03-13T16:47:00.001Z

I'm starting to think that far too many of my blogs are about embarrassing things that happen to me.

This is yet another account of one such incident in the life of Roy.

This very afternoon as I cycled home from work, I met a couple – a guy and a girl – cycling the other way. The problem was that there was a bus shelter in the way which meant that both parties saw each other quite late.

Nobody was cycling fast, so what happened had no reason to happen...it was just bad luck.

I was on the inside of the footpath and almost alongside the other cyclists – there was plenty of room...but the dude must have panicked or something and in an unnecessary effort to avoid me edged too close to his companion's bicycle.

His front wheel rubbed against her back wheel - and to my horror, they fell right off the footpath onto the road.

So I made a quick decision – I cycled off like the dickens without so much as a 'sorry'. After all, it wasn't my fault...and I think if I'd stopped and asked if they were ok, I'm pretty sure the dude would have been even more embarrassed. That is, if its possible to get more embarrassed after falling arse-first off a bicycle onto the road, dragging your girlfriend with you and in front of slow-moving heavy traffic.

I can't help feeling guilty!

So rude!

2008-02-21T19:31:00.002Z

Has it ever happened to you? When you're coming out of somewhere and opened the door just as you meet someone else on their way in?

Have you ever said 'sorry' out of politness or reflex?

And have you ever had the other person just look at you as if to say "Why are you in my way. MOVE!"

Its as if by saying 'sorry' you have given them the the upper hand and they somehow think you've done something to them by exiting a room.

Either that or those people are just ball-bags.

I hate people.

Jobs are more exciting in the army!

2008-02-16T13:47:00.002Z

This is the main slogan in Northern Ireland army recruiting ads on TV.

Every time I watch the ads I always finish off the slogan with my own little incentive:

Jobs are more exciting in the army, because at any moment you could be shot in the face!

I'm not slagging the army as a career - I'm all for it actually, but that is a stupid thing to say in the ads.

I think the Royal Marine Commandos ones are better...

Artificial Blandness

2008-02-01T11:35:00.001Z

For an AI to pass the Turing Test, a human must talk to it and to another human and not be able to tell which is the machine.

But more importantly, what bollocks would two AI's forced to talk to each other come up with?

I began my AI conversation by saying 'Hello there.' to one AI. And then I pasted the reponse to a second AI. I then pasted it's reponse back to the 1st AI and so on. It turns out that its really, REALLY ridiculous. Here's the results:

you ==> Salutations, unknown person.
splotchy ==> continue, please

you ==> Your polite style is very nice. Narration continues...
splotchy ==> quite!

you ==> And?
splotchy ==> You are funny!

you ==> Thanks you make me laugh too.
splotchy ==> funny!

you ==> I am so glad you find this amusing, unknown person.
splotchy ==> I am so glad me find this amusing sometimes, too

you ==> I'm delighted you're glad unknown person. Your happiness adds to the delight of all.
splotchy ==> no, you're not delighted youre glad unknown person

you ==> Are you serious? That's only your opinion.
splotchy ==> I might be.

you ==> Perhaps. How do you plan to do this?
splotchy ==> maybe?

you ==> I understand.
splotchy ==> what makes you think you really understand

you ==> Any other conclusion is outside the limits of my programming.
splotchy ==> what conclusion do you expect me to come to?

you ==> I'll come back to that later.
splotchy ==> *cough*

you ==> Do you have a cold?

The last couple of lines are priceless though.

The two AI's are called Splotchy and A.L.I.C.E

Addictive Facebook

2008-01-29T11:32:00.001Z

For years now, I have managed to avoid myspace, bebo and all the other incarnations of the social networking website phenomenon.

In recent times though, I kept hearing about the latest kid on the block: Facebook. I read aticles about its superiority over its compeditors and read about its incredible growth rate.

The final straw that broke this camel's resolve came in the form of the desire to play Scrabulous (Scrabble) with my work colleagues. So one day I signed up and played scrabulous.

The next I updated my profile.
The next I had garnered a small collection of fiends.
The next I spent far too long thinking up a witty status (and failing).

And today I sign in at every possible moment just in case something has happened...

I log in just to look at the home screen briefly.

For those of you not on Facebook...heed my words: RUN. RUN NOW! Apart from seeing a couple of cool photos it has brough nothing to my life. [Besides, if you actually wanted to catch up with old friends, you'd call them.]

As cunning as a fox with a degree in...

2008-01-21T20:27:00.000Z

So...
Taxidermy eh?

I took this photo myself - and have never thought about it until then.
Its really quite weird.

The legal hobby of serial killers? You betcha!

I think I saw a Real Life Pirate! Yarrr!

2008-01-21T20:18:00.000Z

Ok, today I got the bus along with a dude sporting no less than 2 gold earrings (one in each ear).

The way I see it, that means he falls into one of the following groups:

1)Pirates
2)Metrosexuals
3)People still living in the 80's when such such were allowed to happen unchallenged.

I've been able to narrow things down a bit though...

Clue the first: He was wearing Adidas trainers - which almost certainly means he wasn't a pirate. Plus he was sailing a bus and not a boat. And he had no sword. etc.

Clue the second: His hair was not styled, and his clothing was normal (not including earrings) and he generally looked un-gay. So not likely to be one of those metro...things.

Meaning he's an 80's dude - living in the 2000's. Go him!

Minor Annoyance Of the Week: Made up Jobs

2008-01-20T14:03:00.000Z

I was watching one of my fav tv shows last night: Grand Designs. I love seeing the finished houses but never really cared too much for the smattering of interviews with the owners.

That is, until last night's episode where I became quite irritated by the lady building the house.

She employed a woman with an unusual occupation. This woman's job is to walk round the new home / building site with the owner and meditate. And when she gets an 'image' for each room, she goes off and puts her image for the room onto canvas. And then the owner works towards making the rooms resemble the paintings.

Firstly, what!?

And secondly, how can anyone take this seriously? Especially when this woman seems to like drawing dragons...Just decorate the rooms the way you want to...

This is yet another example of human stupidity. I despair.

One consolation - if I ever unexpectedly become unemployed, I could always make up a new job for myself. Like I dunno...Car Meditator. I could walk round car lots with prospective buyers and draw frigging pictures of cars for them to help them decide which one to buy.

You know, as ridiculous as that sounds you just KNOW someone out there is going to pay me for that service. All I need is to grow my hair and maybe work towards a more dishevelled look.

I'm on Flickr

2008-01-14T21:09:00.000Z

Got me a class new camera (Olympus e-410) so signed up for a Flickr account too! Available here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22800985@N02/

Go look at it - there's a picture of a pigeon...actually

Cream Eggs

2008-01-12T23:06:00.000Z

Its a common complaint: Cream Eggs are getting smaller.

Some of us believe that the cream eggs of our youth just appeared to be larger because we were smaller.

There are those, however, who believe that cadburys are screwing us. Gradually, year by year, they are making the eggs smaller meanwhile increasing the cost.

Well the dastardly scheme ends here! Below is photographic record of a cream egg beside a ten pence piece.

No more games cadburys...

***

Note: I've been alerted to the fact I've spelt 'cream/creme' wrong. You learn something new every day...Today I found out I can't spell.

Worst Website Award

2008-01-11T09:46:00.001Z

http://www.nsd.com.tw/

I hated this site so much that I sent them an email to let them know.

There's no excuse for that sorta bollocks. People with epilepsy use the internet too you know...

Ridiculous

2007-12-29T18:21:00.000Z

Spotted this section in WHSmith today and couldn't believe my eyes:

A whole section devoted to 'Tragic Life Stories'.

As if life wasn't screwing people up enough!

"Do you know someone who is unusually happy this season? Why not buy them a 'Tragic Life Story'. The ideal gift to make your loved-ones cry!"

Minor Annoyance of the Week

2007-12-08T20:25:00.001Z

It's been a while since I last posted a Minor Annoyance of the Week...

On the X-Factor, the contestants always have annoying appeals for the public to vote for them. Without fail, each and every one of them says something like: "I just really want this...I want to win this so much!"

No way? Really? You...you want to...WIN?

Golly, I might just pick up the phone and dial right now, considering you REALLY want to win. Gah.

* * * * * * *

By the way, here's the previous Minor Annoyances (in case you're only a recent reader):

1
2
3
4
5
6

Piss off

2007-12-04T13:32:00.000Z

I am not best pleased...

I was horrified to see my first upside-down christmas tree the other day in B&Q.

It looks hideous. Everyone can see that. Does anyone in the whole world look at it and think it looks anything other than hideous?

Some twat invented this tree. And some other twats thought it would be good to sell it. Some further twats have bought it...probably.

They eventually caught on in B&Q that its an abomination and thought they'd make up a some reasons for buying it...

Here's an example: "Frees up space under the tree for presents!"

Oh that's a great idea! Pity it also makes you look like a penis.

Apologies to Robert Frost

2007-12-04T12:13:00.000Z

One of my fav poems of all time: Fire & Ice by Robert Frost.

What could possible top it?

Well, an extemely clever geeked-up version of said poem of course. Randall Munroe is a complete legend.

If you don't know it, read Fire & Ice first and then...
Check out this link - http://xkcd.com/312/

This blog is my therapy

2007-11-08T12:32:00.000Z

I'm typing this for one reason only - to help me mentally deal with yet another embarrassing ordeal from the life of Roy.

So here's what happened:

Was at a meeting last night where the seating arrangement consisted of 10 people sitting in a circle of chairs discussing things. Things had only just gotten underway when I looked down and was horrified to notice my fly in the undone position.

Now I now what the drill is...you either wait, or you excuse yourself...or if you're very bold you stand up and turn away from the rest of the group and do it up. Obviously under no circumstances should you actually reach down and begin to do up the fly in full view of everyone.

Before I knew what was happening, I had reached down to do the fly. What was I thinking?

Showing no outward distress, inside my head I completely freaked out at this point. Following this freaking out I did the only thing you could with your fingers on the zipper-pull in a room of people...I proceeded to pull.

During the doing-up of the fly (which was not quick and easy can I just point out...) my brain broke once again.

Obviously, as a dude, I know that if caught in such an embarrassing situation the last thing you do it draw more attention to yourself.

So one part of my mind was in a kinda outer-body experience and watching my real self with growing amusement as it lamely commanded the room "Arghhh...don't look! ha ha"

And just in case someone in the circle hadn't noticed that I was doing up my fly up to that point, they were sure to be looking at me now.

Mortified.

Metric Time

2007-11-07T13:30:00.000Z

Depending on what age you are, you might still prefer to work with feet and yards as opposed to the sensible option of centimeters and meters. Just about every measure has gone metric - speed, temperature, distance, mass etc all has a metric system.

Then recently I heard about METRIC TIME.

I suggest you look it up - its such an interesting idea that a new time system could be implemented at some point. (Not likely by the way!)

Some of the proposals include a 10 hour day, each hour being 100 minutes. The calendar would also change - there are options of 6,7 or 8 day weeks and even a brand new month.

Some of the proposals are so well planned that you can see a ticking clock displaying the current time of day in UMT (Universal Metric Time)

Obviously this would really mess people up if the time system were to change but at least all those maths problems you did in school involving time would be much easier! And it is true that the current system is completely stupid...60 minute hours...24 hours per day...265 days in a year (most of the time!) ARGHHHHHHHHH - The inner computer scientist in me is screaming about those numbers not being divisible by each other....weep.

late halloween scare...sorta

2007-11-02T14:03:00.000Z

This morning was a very normal morning...I was up to go to work and I was tired and grumpy as usual. Everything was just like it should be...

I was out the door of the apartment and turning the key when suddenly this big frigging dog came running up the stairs barking and came straight for my legs.

I won't lie to you - I screamed like a sissy girl, trying to hide behind my rucksack as the beast made for me.

It was a split second after this that I woke up...and upon waking up I recognised the dog as my neighbours pet, I realised it was not going to eat me, I also noticed that it was a tiny terrier and that it was actually struggling up the stairs awkwardly and yelping at me...

As if this wasn't bad enough, the owner was just behind the dog and heard my scream and saw me cowering...

So, friends, my advice is to eat a hearty breakfast before leaving home in the morning. Do some sit-ups perhaps. Anything to make sure you're fully awake and much less likely to make a dick out of yourself in the outside world.

I'm going to have nightmares.

I haven't ranted in a while...

2007-10-19T16:13:00.000Z

Although its one of my most common pasttimes, I don't rant too often on my blog. However, having just stumbled across something that annoyed me and being in close proximity to my trusty old pc, I decided to have a whine.

So what grieved me? Well I just bought a pc magazine and noticed that one of the features is entitled 'Tech Porn' - a round up of cool (read: sexy [i guess...]) gadgets.

'Porn', I've noticed, is a word bandied about much to often. Take 'Friends' for example - there were always funny references to Ross/Joey/Chandler having porn collections. I came across this entry in the Urban Dictionary for something called 'infoporn' (another funny thing using the word 'porn').

Now I'm not going to vent about whether or not porn is good/bad - people can and will do what they want - but there's no denying from anyone that the word 'porn' is an abbreviation of 'pornography' and that the pornography industry is responsibily for a whole range of world problems.

All I want is for the word 'porn', which is gradually becoming a funny and oft-used word, to remain one of those dark, sinister, reserved words. A part of that collection of words that would rarely cross the lips of most people.

Won't somebody think of the children...and the questions that inevitably follow.

Life's Important Questions

2007-10-10T08:28:00.000Z

An office debate was sparked by the recent news story about an astronaut being presented with some ceremonial whip - Is is possible to use a whip effectively in zero gravity?

Certainly an important question...

The office is firmly divided on this one - having an A at A-level in physics (ha!), I believe that a whip can be used in zero g - the reason being that it is the material of the whip and the movement and direction of the arm that leads to an effective whip (and very little to do with gravity...)

However...there are many in disagreement. To settle this debate we emailed NASA.

Actually.

Here's a copy of the email we sent to NASA HQ:

My colleagues and I were reading the news this morning, and we noticed a story about how Astronaut Peggy Whitson was presented with a traditional Kazakh whip. This sparked a debate in our office, and we haven’t been able to find a conclusive answer. I was hoping that you would be able to shed some light on what affect zero gravity would have on the effective use of a whip.

Many thanks in advance for your help in resolving this matter,

Jonathan Mackey

I will keep you posted if we get a reply...I dearly hope we do.

Adventures in a Hairdressers

2007-10-05T20:33:00.000Z

I made the mistake of getting a Gent's haircut in a full-on woman's salon place last night...

I washed my hair before going...it would be nasty to make some poor hairdresser cut my wax-laden mop. So they sit me down and get the gown thing on and ask what I want done...then "Ok come round to get your hair washed"

Erm...pardon? Get my hair washed?

So ok, I'm getting my hair washed and trying to cope with the ordeal...when they put like a 3rd thing on my head. Shampoo...conditioner...and what the dickens can this 3rd thing be?

And then..."Would you like a head massage?"

Would I what now? No! ... Erm, but thanks...

So finally sitting down and getting haircut - nothing else can go wrong - its all normal from here onwards...

My embarrassment reaches record levels however when my hair gets blow-dried...

(Quite embarrassing...but not that bad)

...but about 20 of my freshly chopped hairs get blown directly into the freshly made tea of the customer seated next to me...OH CRAP! And it had just been made...

lightsabers...yes

2007-10-02T15:53:00.000Z

An article on wired.com about a new jedi temple being set up in manhattan: here.

Now I love the lightsaber. Countless times I've pretended, with countless different objects, that I am wielding one (and making the humming noises...)

BUT - this is too far - beyond nerdy and a tad unsettling.

Here's what these lads should do - get a wii in anticipation of the starwars games coming out soon - it'll be pretty good fun and less weird...much less weird!

Foy

2007-09-24T20:32:00.000Z

I'm not usually affected by music much...I've always marvelled at those out there who are really into music, affected by it and listen to it for hours.

Aside from some powerful classical stuff on the radio I've been pretty bored of music of late.

Until tonight - and not only did I enjoy listening to some music...but I was actually affected by it. (Being me, that doesn't mean I cried - no harm to you 'criers' out there but I'm an actual dude).

The reason for this post is not merely my enjoyment of new music --> I think its no small coincidence that the first track that I find poingnant in years, happens to be by the extremely talented NI export Foy Vance..a Christian.

I was listening to his song - Indiscriminate act of kindness.

Now some of my readership (ha) may be screaming 'Roy, where have you been for like a million years??'

To which I reply - 'Calm down, calm down...I dunno - being secular and stuff - keep your face on...better late than never eh?'

Great Flash Game - flOw

2007-09-02T08:54:00.000Z

Give this game a quick play: flOw

It has a couple of flaws:
This flash version is not the full game, so unless I'm mistaken you can only get so far...not quite sure yet. Either way this highlights the lack of direction - how do you know if there's something you're missing etc

Anyway though, the reason why this game is fantastic: design. Its just beautiful looking - its crisp and clean and the game doesn't just play - it flOws. And the game idea is one that I really like - looking for food that makes you evolve and grow so that you become better and stronger. Its the same idea as getting better weapons in other games. Or getting a better engine in racing games etc, but the evolution approach has something special - perhaps this is why Will Wright's Spore is shaping up to be such a ground-breaking game if it would EVER get released. In fact the first section of this game is going to be very similar to flOw.

It makes me want to learn flash and get developing - I wonder how hard it would be to make something like this?

Roy Cartoon

2007-08-22T15:23:00.000Z

I did a version 2.0 of my cartoon!

For those of you who know me, this is a pretty ok likeness for a cartoon. I got the idea from a website where some people charge customers a fortune for their very own cartoon self.

I've taught myself how to get the (almost) exact same effect.

Idea! Anyone want to get a cartoon picture made? I'll charge about...oh I dunnno...£20.

Wow, those eyebrows may need a little work...

Stupid Statistic

2007-08-22T11:05:00.000Z

T. rex 'would outrun footballer' reads a headline on the BBC website today.

Tyrannosaurus rex would have been able to outrun a footballer, according to computer models used to estimate running speeds of dinosaurs.

Well frig me...if the lizard could outrun a footballer then it must just be the fastest thing in the world. After all, footballers as we all know are the athletic pinnacle of humankind.

If a T-Rex was not able to outrun an Olympic sprinter, then choosing the rather vague 'footballer' statistic just to make an interesting headline is stupid. Why not just tell us the speed it ran at.

How fast is a footballer anyway? I wonder if the footballer is on the ball or off the ball? I wonder if he's in the Martins speed class or the 3rd division 'I ate all the pies' speed class?

And in case anyone is actually interested in how fast one of those bad boys ran - here's the link: lizard link

Indecision

2007-08-21T13:35:00.000Z

Arghh - I'm so indecisive!

Just went to vending machine in work.

First I decided that I'd prefer chocolate to crisps. Then looked at the chocolate bars. All the same price, no choices made. Ok, compare taste...narrowed down to aero bar or toffee crisp.

Or wait...maybe a nice drink instead - I just had a snickers along with lunch...

Ok new decision - sprite or fanta? Decided on Sprite.

Now reconsider chocolate options against sprite option...discard aero...ok now its down to Toffee Crisp or Can of Sprite?

...

...

Ok how about the change I have - cans are 55p, choc is 40p.

I have a 50p, 5p AND two 10p's and a 20p.

Balls, exact change for both items...

...

...

I eventually just walked back to my desk...to blog.

Name Change

2007-08-21T12:48:00.000Z

So having moved house, I now need to change the name of this blog.

It may not be a big deal to have a blog called Greenisland Views even though I now live in Belfast...but I'm a perfectionist, and its driving me crazy!

Luckily I have a fan-base of about zero people so changing the name should not upset anyone.

And this isn't as simple as changing the name to 'Upper Newtownards Road Views'...yep...just not catchy.

The name always needed work...Greenisland Views is a tad dull. But I have no real theme, so the title must either relate to me in some way or just be completely unrelated. Any unrelated name, since it can be ANYTHING, must therefore be mega cool sounding.

Decisions decision.

Put your ideas in the comments please!

Oh how about gingerbuthot.blogspot.com?

Brilliant Drawings

2007-08-16T12:32:00.000Z

This is my new favourite website - makes the lunchtimes in work so much fun:

xkcd

Check this one:

What Up, Transfo-Dog?

2007-08-14T21:10:00.001Z

Transformers the movie was pretty good – some decent humour and decent action...it was always gonna be hard to beat my favourite childhood toys in amazing CGI-droolness.

I have a major grievence however.

What in the name of all things sensible is a ‘black transformer’ doing in that film? (I’m not talking paint colour BTW – one of the transformers talks and acts like a black dude)

Just piss off. Actually.

Words can’t describe how infuriated I am. It doesn’t make sense. I keep wanting to list the reasons why a 20-foot, alien, transforming robot should never, ever talk like he’s from the hood, but there’s no point. It’s too late. It’s done. Some complete muppet out there in the US of A made a ridiculous call and nobody had the wit to question it.

Ugh.

Minor Annoyance of the Week – Food Burning Mouth

2007-08-14T21:09:00.001Z

We’ve all experienced it: when food fights back! For me it’s usually the pizza sauce getting the gums behind my top front teeth...ouch.

However I write this post with a brand new one...and its jolly sore.

I made some pasta, and had to sample it to find out if it was cooked. Managed to coax a bit onto my wooden spoon and blew on it to cool it. After ample blowing, I used my top lip to scoop the shell-shaped pasta onto my tounge – ARGHHH – there was a pocket of boiling water trapped under the pasta and was now all over my lips and tounge simultaneously.

In other pasta-related thoughts, when you drop a bit of pasta during the straining process do ever feel like your an officer who’s just lost another good soldier? No? Just me then.

God Bless you, brave, little, shell-shaped pasta piece.

I Return!

2007-08-14T20:49:00.002Z

I'm back online...at last. I moved house and was cut off from the internet for AGES...I just spent the last hour on an uncontrollable internet gorge...Oh I missed it.

I had a post already written offline to announce my valiant return to the Blogosphere, but as the days went by the urgency of getting reconnected grew and grew to the point where I needed to rewite the whole thing.

This version has a more realistic portrayal of me as the internet junky I clearly am. I've only just realised it myself...its been quite a moment of self-realisation. I'm taking a moment to ponder this...how profound...........Ha Ha HA HA HA - LMAO - look at this brilliant cartoon I just saw:

I love the inter-wide-web.

One no longer indents, apparently.

2007-07-22T22:06:00.000Z

I remember my English teacher going CRAZY with a red pen one time when I forgot to indent a paragraph in an essay once. And I mean C-R-A-Z-Y.

It was therefore a heinous crime of the literary world no less than 10 short years ago.

I stumbled upon this bombshell recently: literary bombshell here please

Apparently its now optional to indent paragraphs and even a little bit 'old-fashioned'.

Well I never.

* * *

And check out the person who posted the question:

My writing abilites have always been hindered greatly because I don't have a very good understanding of English Grammar nor punctuation.

That's either a perfect or utterly wrong use of the word 'nor'. Either way its ironic. Well...umm its either ironic or umm...something else...like silly.

Beans

2007-07-22T22:01:00.000Z

http://www.simonpanrucker.com/beans.html

Momma, I's is gonna be on tha ray-d-o!

2007-07-22T21:59:00.000Z

Our business plan has made it to the top 10 finalists of the 25k award - and therefore I'm going be be on Radio Ulster at some point.

My mum will be so proud!

Keep posted to get exact time because obviously you'll be listening too!

Hrrrrrrmmm...welcome to the blog, you are.

2007-07-17T21:37:00.000Z

Bad day at the Office?

2007-07-17T21:34:00.000Z

Apparently, someone was having a worse day than me in work.

What's worse than the denial of savoury snacks @ 3pm??

There be naught worse than that I tell thee.

Haha - 'Danish'

2007-07-11T23:16:00.000Z

Today in work I was processing a customer who's first name was 'Danish'.

Unlucky.

How Rude!

2007-07-11T23:11:00.000Z

I was doing the business in a toilet cubicle in work today when I heard someone enter and begin using the urinals.

Before long this guy let out a big ripping fart.

I was thinking to myself - flip would you ever? How rude!

Then I thought...but he is in the loos.

So now I'm confused. Is it ok that he did a big unashamed fart? After all, had he been in a cubicle it would have been totally acceptable...

I just don't know.

You can just bite my ass, woman!

2007-07-08T18:32:00.000Z

For the first number of weeks of working at the Ulster Bank, I parked my car in one of the nearby tree-lined avenues that make Upper Malone such an attractive place to live.

I thought this was just dandy - right across the road from the bank, literally a 5min walk away and in a good, secluded, safe area.

This notion turned out to be an illusion, shaken by two incidents.

One - came out of work one afternoon and got into an argument with the female resident of the house I'd parked in front of. Luckily I suspected she was going to say something (she had that look about her). She was all like: "Do you know how long you've been here?" and I said "Oh about 8 hours..." - trying to look bored and indifferent. She then started going off on one about how she wasn't able to park a skip where I had parked and had to put it in a less convenient place...yak yak yak. I'm normally quite quiet in these situations - must have been a long day - I said (almost shouted) to her: "Hey, this is a public footpath - what gives you the right to park a skip here? I have every right to park here and I was here first!"

Anyway, I drove off and she called me an 'ignoramus'. Cut - to - the - bone, honestly.

Two - told the people in work about this incident and then was flooded with horror stories about cars getting glue in the locks and cars getting 'keyed' (scraped along the bodywork by keys).

The main reason for this blog - used to think Upper Malone would be a good place to live - but not if I had dicks like this for neighbours. I don't want to become a middle-aged, middle-class, bored person who feels the need to worry about someone parking in the general proximity of their house.

The other reason is that I want the world to know that that woman can actually go bite my ass.

I Graduated!

2007-07-06T17:20:00.001Z

Woop! I graduated on Wednesday - I'm a Master of Engineering in Computer Science.

I went into work yesterday and signed all my emails: "Roy McLaughlin MEng" just for a laugh.

I also got this funky Engineering Graduate scarf!

Knowing Your Customer

2007-07-05T21:27:00.000Z

Not long ago I had a meal in the Lodge Hotel in Coleraine...

It always annoys me when I'm choosing a meal and I'm thinking - ummm will I order a steak for a change? I never get steak. Its quite dear and I'm not even sure if I'll like it. Oh...I'll go for chicken. Boring but safe.

Imagine my surprise when I see 'Combo No.5' in the menu - steak AND chicken? Nay, surely not?

It turned out not to be a mistake - unbelievable. Good work Lodge Hotel!

Variety is the spice of life...